Right into the chase...
I fight with myself trying to express myself while not coming out too otherworldly.
Coming out abstract? At least that kinda feels like art.
But what I wanna express is out of spirit, out of belief, out of the power we possess.
I'm right now taking a big step into fighting back by creating this. I wanna cry in the thought of not getting understood because it's my spirit, something you cannot see, you will perceive it though the filter of your own lens in life. But I have to do it as I acknowledge I haven't been able to fully step into my power as I had these voices growing up that were taking me away from believing in my self.
I've been feeling like I want to rip my clothes & my armor off, just let my heart out.
Of course meaning it in a metaphorical way but that's the feeling.
I don't want to shut that kid's soul down. Not anymore. I raise the kid Mel inside of me & this is the space I'm giving her. Something she was not allowed when she was a kid, so re-parenting myself, I'm experiencing all this catharsis & this post is scaring her but it feels so liberating. This kid wants to be loved & give love. This is life. Creating & sharing.
Back in 2021, in my 27s, I had a video of the last time I was with my sister & I said "I don't really look forward to anything. It's not that I'm pessimistic, I'm just being logical". Which, I don't wanna say there's a thin line between logic & pessimism, I wanna say this is a great way of masking ego, fear...
Closing my 30s soon, I've had enough.
I started re-parenting myself back in 2022 & this is the final form, you witness it right now.
That's my daughter. Everything & anything for her.
How can I not love this kid & let it know it's worth what makes her heart at ease? Being an adult, due to survival, we try to control. Why not be open to beautiful surprises? That kid inside of us is scared so we try to control just to protect it. But that's when the purity of a child comes, grabbing your face & reminding you of all of the times you both made it & it all felt like magic's hand. And somehow this whole process is making me feel a woman. It's a cycle of healing. Me going through the process of healing the child by becoming the woman she needed & then that child healing me in ways I cannot explain, it's making me step into such feminine energy, such compassion,softness, security. And in this way, I can be softer for the people close to my heart. It's so beautiful giving life to your own self. Creation is art. I'm so crazy over this haha I'm so in love & deep gratitude.
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Watching LIB6 I saw Proverbs 3:5
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding".
You are the Lord, the divine entity, believe in yourself, the power you possess aka magic wholeheartedly. Don't lean on your mortal fleshy material human understanding that comes from ego, from fear. Faith is not logical. The simplest example is gut feeling. Eyes & man-made logic can deceive.
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This week I went for a job interview that felt like I was a nobody. My resume is full of different industries because... how do we explain that I want to see how humans work & understand them? Different jobs are different realities & I wanted to experience them. I can commit, I have committed, it's just that outer or divine means redirected me because it was needed for my path, that's what served me at that time.I like to experience diversity & get a spherical knowledge. I love learning, I eagerly learn. I love it.
If someone would be interested to understand me... but the corporate, robotic, too man-made, out of our nature just works this way. But this is not my world so I cannot disrespect my world, disregard it for other worlds. It's funny things like these never work out, I give them a try but life itself repels me from such spaces.
Why get forced into unnatural cycles & rhythms in order to please "a hole in the water"?
I also feel so uneasy being at a job where the artist I am is not acknowledged. At that job interview, they did not care about my resume at all, my technical skills, the languages I speak. Also, I find it a completely different world a job taking over your life & your life being just "free time". Unacceptable. If I was not who I am, if I had no power since I came to this life, if I had not been that conscious etc, I would have taken my life already. I kid you not, I would have taken my life because that's my freedom & that's how I see it. But even if I write it, I cannot imagine a life where I don't have a fire burning vigorously inside of me. I would not make the later choice, I would not accept defeat because I wanna enjoy the sky, I wanna enjoy the sun, the birds chirping, I wanna enjoy the breeze, the stars, the sunsets, the feeling a beautiful music arrangement gives, the love you get from animals, all of the beauty that exists through nature & art.
It's like I'm letting others block me but that stems from me allowing them to block me, so full accountability here, I'm the one doing that & well, acceptance, knowledge is path to freedom. That's me taking accountability, I was a little kid when I got silenced. Again, what if I grew up in such environment? I'm responsible & I'm glad I am the adult I needed as a child. I love this love I'm having right now!!! It affected my other relationships, things I thought were the norm. That's therapy work I've taken, growth, healing. That's why I don't like blaming or using the word "trauma". No, they have no power. Claim your own power. End of story.
I won't search for mercy simply because that's act of being a slave for others' acknowledgement. Also some sort of manipulation. Be true, be raw. Someone not knowing my struggles & thinking I got it easy? Well, if that's how deep you wish to understand each other that's ok, I won't plead my case if you don't care. I have experienced this sort of manipulation & I have used it in some rare occasions without knowing it. It was when I got 23 & got away from such environment that I got my power back & acknowledged that pity will not make anyone understand you or offer you help. When I stood tall, being my own person, I was acknowledging my survival situation, that I had no job in another continent where I had no true financial security. It was at that time others would get shocked about my living situation & would tell me to give up or reserve to ways that my spirit would not feel good, I came on the top. I won by simply standing tall, not letting my situation or whatever define me & take over my actions, words. That's when I got myself open & I found such amazing people who supported me. Simply because I was this person, I attracted people who opened their hearts up & offered me their warmth. I will eternally be grateful for that time. So no, for a person that achieved that, I will never submit to low vibrational states.
And no, I am an individual & I will not conform. I am an artist, an artist of life.
The end. This is me. No word over that. This is the truth.
I will not conform to other realities, I have got mine already & I have lots of work in there.
I will persist. I'm so enraged right now, for real. This is my stage. Just like this blog is mine, this life is also mine. These eyes, these ears, this mouth, these hands, this brain, this body are all mine & I get to choose what they will get exposed to, what they are worth of, what they are going to absorb.
I feel so alone writing these but at the same time I am so not alone & I know that.
This week, from March 4th, something peaked & today I took a big step letting such things known on the vast space of internet, where different worlds exist.
But this is mine & this space of mine is the absolute for me.
I do acknowledge other worlds out of respect but they are not mine & I cannot be part of them & that's totally ok.
PS: I try to express my light & not give room to that side of me that is in a weird phase of growth. Things might be going on but I'm coming back here to say that even if my eyes were irritated & body was tired from crying, I do have faith. I'm both that I'm fine & save me image haha
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