Oh Gosh...

 

I'm back after rearranging my brain.

Guess who had to take a break (from themselves) & also had a crazy shift... 

 

Sorry, not gonna take my time articulating & forming this post perfectly. 

I just have to do it even if I repeat myself. 

 

Learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings instead of reacting & making it as if it's the end of the world. Some would say my moon & venus placements in leo are in full effect. Some, not me of course, I aint much into astrology but... facts.

 

[I'm sharing this as it's both entertaining & educational, if you're into human behaviour stuff. I don't mind showcasing myself like that as we are all a piece of art]

 

Of course I went into something with old baggage. Through relationships we learn stuff about ourselves. We are mirrors. Do you know the song "New Perspective" by Panic!At The Disco? Well, it's been one of my fave songs since it got released back in junior high & now I do feel it in my bones. I've been functioning from survival mode but it was numbing me from living my life. If you mute & numb parts, is that really healthy? I'd calculate life but it had the opposite effect from the one I was trying to achieve.

I made a promise I won't make a move on him. I was curious though the more I'd see him. I was letting myself getting more open (just in case coz you never know lol). I made a promise ONLY if he makes a move, which seemed impossible to me, I'd go for it. And that's what happened. You know when you joke about something but then it happens & you're like ok, no way back now, let's dive into it lol.

It's a loop after all. What the "muse" gives & the "artist" creates. That's ... life, not idolising. I take life with its depth & artistry. Everything is significant.

It feels as if in our timeline, a small gate opened & this gate can close anytime. Sometimes I feel like it's all in my mind. It's that it needed me to shed my sht. You either evolve right now or you stay with your old patterns that were keeping you in a limbo. Also, the most important thing... my nervous system. It's so fcking shocking when your body unlearns living in survival mode. It's fcking unsettling.

That's when I started waking up, after our first ever convo... 

I was feeling at peace, my body could tell he's a safe space. But who was creating all of this tension? Being shy & pretending were a shield back in my first relationship. To be noticed, to be seen. Then... who are they truly seeing? WHERE IS THE REAL YOU? How can you build something out of not giving your energy but performing in order to suck theirs? Suck, yes, coz you're trying to PULL. Gals, that was a deep thing that would only activate in a relationship. I freaked out with myself, I didn't know I was insecure like that. And you know how that observation happened & I finally got a slap in the face? Well, I blazed it, ok? And that's when it hit me. Am I pretending stuff in front of him in order for him to "see" me? In my mind I was going with a "please see me" energy, mentality. I got some crazy visualizations. If we pretend we sleep in order to fall asleep then the one who makes that thought is us as a third entity observing our thoughts. Then when does our thinking stop & transitions into a dream state? Do we know we dream? I was continuously thinking & tricking myself this whole thought process was a dream. I WAS BECOMING A LOOP! I was feeling like I was falling into a vortex & I freaked out & hopefully I woke up. I thought I would keep being stuck into this loop. 

Maybe irrelevant but at first, before I get into the previous thought-dream state, I was seeing patterns in the 4, 5, 6 numbers & the greek alphabet. And while I was falling into the loop, I started seeing the torus, which is a symbol in sacred geometry. Waking up, I was like "if this is a dream, I should not act out of fear, I should express myself freely, no matter the outcome because the love you give out is the love you receive". But right about the moment I was about to express myself to him, I was giving in to fear, to my thoughts & then the torus was merging me inside it once again as if it was trying to correct me, reminding me that if this was a dream I should not act out of fear but out of love, that maybe my fear was creating more resistance because I was trying to pull. I started getting more aware of my energy. The moment I was abandoning myself trying to get into his eyes, I was giving in to fear of how I'd get perceived, begging to get a certain energy. But the moment I'd see him & remain in my own "frame", I'd feel ok.

From the moment this conversation happened, my relationship with myself changed. I was creating such a strong pull out of fear. It was all of it; my survival mode, the URGENCY I'd feel, the need to feel seen. But see who, Mel? I have mentioned on a previous post that I'd cry when we first started talking as I felt such peace & purity. It was so scary feeling like that although that's what I wanted to feel. Could I handle it though? Also, when he told me his part, I was ready to just leave, not even engage in a talk I also needed to have in order to understand each other. Fight or flight wtf? Ew, that was truly me. I didn't know I had such tendencies. But somehow my neurones worked & I faced myself at that moment. I don't know, you gals, it's truly about who you have in front of you. I felt safe enough to cut my sht out.

On a previous post, I have also mentioned I never had any non-consensual thoughts about him, I only had the vision chilling outside with him, "taking it slow until..." & that's when my vision would stop. And I mention that because I'd always see him purely even if I'd fancy his charismatic demeamour. But this actually growing flesh & bones, I started feeling comfortable about his age. It felt like I was taking back my lost time & fun. Not that he hasn't got his own baggage from past relationships or whatever but because his boyish heart is still more vivid. I don't know, some people let sht get to them & rot their heart a lot but his whole aura was not like that. Not being performative is what I admired in him once I got to experience him. He became such an inspiration. Part of my crying sessions were also about this getting mirrored into me. 

It's true I started seeing things from a new perspective, away from a rotten nervous system. Getting to know somebody else's nervous system is such an uneasy process but once you understand it & ACCEPT it, you just put yourself at ease. He's low urgency, what can you do? "Let people grow in their own time & space" & to me this is the biggest service of love. And as I write you that, I came back from my first time being ok inside of me, not pulling but simply being in my fcking "frame". Just like back in the restaurant I'd have a great time regardless of him being there or not, but also if he was, he'd be a sweet addition, that's how I feel in life.

Then that "the love you give is the love you receive" started getting a different form. I learnt to not expect the other person to react the way I had in my own mind, the way I would react. So, I did not fcking care about expecting the love I give to come back. I could not care less anymore, I'm gonna love anyway coz if I overflow, of course I'm gonna give & this love I give is also coming back... from me & in any other form. So just do it. Just do your art, do your shit for you, even if nobody reads or understands you fully. SHUT UP & LIVE. SHUT.THE.FCKN.FCK & CREATE, EXPRESS. FCK IT, it could be the end in a few mins & we could not even know it. Fckng express & love the sht out of people if you feel like doing so.

He doesn't know a thing about my whole process but for sure he might have felt uneasy energetically during this period our first month. After some time, I started having this warm feeling circling inside my chest area. I don't know how to explain it, cherishing their own unique journey that you want to love them in a liberating way. I don't know how to explain it, I love them purely for the way they are & that's it. I mean, if they ever feel weird I love them, it's all their fault I do coz they're lovable the way they are. Gee, truly admirable. 

Is that how it goes? Is it normal to just have a blank brain when you're with them? I feel like I become the most boring person on planet earth hahaha. I mean, I gotta talk about my sht, ask about his hahaha almost 3 months & my questions never come out from my mouth.

A week ago I was listening to the songs that I loooved (when he showed me a live he went to) & you know what happened? My feelings got too intense from how awesome this funky house is that I started crying feeling so thankful he introduced me to such beautiful sounds. You know what? I've got the luxury to live stuff intensely by myself. If you gals read these (or if he ever read these) I would not care about how I'm perceived. I'm cut like that & I feel alive being like that & in the end of the day... that's Mel. 

And the nice thing in this whole process is how I've learnt to regulate myself. Sometimes my intensity is not even good for my own self. Imagine if he was as intense as me... we'd lose it. Hopefully, I have learnt to call my sht out & observe myself, not just for my own good but for anyone next to me. It just happened to be him teaching me through his own way of being how to slow down & regulate my own self. Ew & that's how I actually... eh... you know, I started developing pure loving feelings. Ew, they don't know it. I swear I will never let them know, this is too much. Let my intensity be mine & for it to go to my art. I cherish having my intensity for my own self. It's my very own thing, the kinda of love I have with myself. I have changed into someone I wanted to be. My brain is finally chilling~ 

Just him being the way he is... is helping me be me the way I am. 

 

The whole takeaway is you see outside yourself & realize that not everyone's like you & they cannot be like you. Can't force life, can't control life. Just breath it. It's also how there's always something more to life. Yesterday or years ago you didn't know about these about yourself, how something could unfold. And we all need each other in order to see ourselves. And we need to let go of how things should be done, just go with the flow coz it's gonna end up in the way you'd imagine anyway & most times, even better!!! SHT! Stuff I'd tell myself when I was hanging from a string are coming back again to remind me everything in life is ok & it always will be ok. 

 I just live in AWE.