[I had to redo my post as after publishing it I understood myself better. What was redone was the 1st section]
Oh well well well...
You have read a lot on my blog & it amazes me every time you do relate to some stuff in some way.
I'm raw, tender, contradictory, not always polished. I roam a lot but I always come back to that core. I always check my tone automatically as it's more of me witnessing myself & life rather than trying to preach you into my ways of thinking/living. I always come back to check my mirror as we are all unique & carry different colour palettes. Self-awareness is a virtue so I can look at others without expecting them to fit my own mold, to respect their space.
True love is liberating
This is gonna be yet another ride~
I watched two videos (1 & 2) that made me feel seen when it came to my mindset & beliefs. This post woke myself up coz I realized that I already had a circle of friends that all thing alike, so why did I get worked up I got tangled up in a shallow family environment with no values that felt exactly like the behaviours shown in those videos & also paid that much attention to the "saturated" stuff social media show? Because even if you see such "saturation" in real life, you would not pay much attention anyways & you'd go on without commenting on it further.
aka INTROSPECTION
MY TAKE.
I’m not christian but I grew up in a christian cult so I carry both knowledge & scars. I’ve done my research during & after leaving it. I never celebrated christmas & I was never interested in it. What feels hypocritical to me is how xmas isn’t really Jesus-centered but Santa-centered, consumption-centered, romance-centered. And if you don’t "vibe" with it, suddenly you’re the Grinch. I'm just sick of pop xmas songs in the end of the day, nobody's pressuring me or titling me after Grinch.
Just pretty lights, the anticipation of NYE, homemade sweets, having some free time finally on holidays to hang out with your people. Everybody's working though when you're an adult, we struggle to arrange a meeting where everyone will be present. We try to teach kids stuff like community, not be that tied to material stuff but what about us? A warm family environment & time with friends & of course one single gift is enough to keep a child happy.
But turning it into a romantic partner holiday? That one never sat right with me. Love but not the glossy, transactional version but as compassion, courage, presence. Not like I gave you my heart & the very next day you sold it on ebay. Why celebrate betrayal? Why celebrate Judas? lol. I don’t believe in Jesus but I respect the idea of him. I feel sorry his name got tangled in institutions that lost the plot. The whole point was living/loving with courage & compassion. Why does that feel so hard to grasp?
I do like to talk about stuff that I want to raise awareness about but when I find myself venting in a way that could bring out some bias, I check in with myself why I feel the way I feel. Because after all, it’s not about it/them. It’s about how much reacting is ok & how much of that is in the end of the day smoke & mirrors.
So after all of that. In my personal life, especially after last year's thing you're gonna read about, I witnessed in first place the shallow side of it because I caught myself in a shallow family environment that had no values at all & that's what made me react, along with the world's lack of music literacy lol. With my friends though, things are different. I see the world way much pure. Such issues I talked about don't matter to any of us as we all just have the same values... hence why we are all friends. SORRY, JUST REALIZED IT'S ALL A FAMILY ENVIRONMENT THING that made me react in this way.
Maybe I got worked up in first place
because of ...values, not because of own personal beliefs.
Sorry if I confused you, my brain was in progress 
End of first section.
As a year passed by, I wanted to write about the whole takeaway of it & my personal journey.
Let's revisit it (& much more).
So on last year's post I titled that paragraph "Not respecting my beliefs". I will post it here again as I had reverted it to drafts.
"...or
even at a 2nd level, not considering them...or worse, not being
interested in understanding them out of a genuine desire to deepen our
connection as friends or in a relationship, can be frustrating. Is that
really so difficult to respect?
Why do I bring this up? Because I
don't celebrate xmas, and that often leads to situations where my
boundaries are overlooked. For example, when I tell someone I'm not comfortable participating in certain activities, like "dirty santa" (wth is that anyway?), it's disheartening if they frown or judge me for it. Yes, I understand it's a family gathering, and people enjoy it, but I cannot bring myself to engage. I'm happy to watch, laugh along & share in the atmosphere, but for me it goes beyond the fact that it's a xmas activity.
I also don't
personally enjoy the idea of giving or receiving meaningless gifts. I
find it wasteful, especially if the gift might end up unused or in the
trash, which the thought of it ending up in the trash is breaking my
heart & I cannot in the idea of doing that to anyone. I'd
much rather give someone a thoughtful gift card for something they
truly need or have been eyeing. Likewise, receiving a gift that doesn't
align with my preferences or needs makes me uncomfortable; it just
becomes excess clutter & that bothers me. If only people used
wishlists! Then we could exchange gifts that are genuinely appreciated
on both sides. But I'm just saying~
But ultimately, this isn't
just about gifts. It comes down to basic respect. If someone takes my
preferences personally or sees me in a negative light because of them,
it's the opposite of respect. Respect isn't about agreeing with everything, it's about understanding, accepting & not diminishing someone else's values or boundaries. "
So I did not take part in that "dirty santa" thing completely, even if I drew some stuff with the dice. I only kept a photo frame & 2 decorations for my tree outside my balcony. Anything that felt a waste, I left it there. I got them (3 women in their 50s & a 19yo) individual gifts that I put lots of thought, taking into consideration their "needs". Also, hello, why do you care if they respect your beliefs? I was the one that had to respect my beliefs before anyone else, duh, Mel!
So this year I was testing the waters & I observed a lot.
I would go on for hours talking about who did what, about my family background etc but that would be totally pointless as the common denominator is me & I do not really care to give any of this stuff attention. It's all so indifferent to me anymore.
My spiritual therapist wrote me down "I allow others to develop in their own time & space". So yeah, I do not "touch" them.
What did I have that got me into this journey this year? I put myself in an environment of relatives & that clown guy we had no substantial relationship with.
But you know what? We cannot change anyone or the way they treat us. Then take them as they are~ or maybe to put it better "Leave them as they are".
That led to a great journey of respecting myself. And eventually others so I won't hold any grudge as they are also on their own journey.
I started putting situations or pettiness in behaviours behind. These were not part of me, my heart, my world. I stopped giving attention to an effect someone was creating with their energy. The source no longer existed. I stopped participating, I stopped listening, I stop entertaining myself watching a circus made of people who mocked their own selves.
Where I found no substance, I would remove myself, my energy, my whole being from. I would remove myself from these spaces, empty spaces that did not fit my heart. I wanted love, especially when I don't wanna waste what overflows from my heart to somewhere where it's not going to be cherished & multiplied.
Did somebody say "美樂。加油" ? Because yeah, damn right, 美樂 got refueled. And that 油 was self-respect.
When we added self-respect, my whole life changed in a year. It was the lack of substance that got me looking internally & being like "You know what? If there's no real sht in these external spaces, then I've got me & that's where it all starts". Not that I did not have that in my closest circles, but seeing the exact opposite got me mad to the point I wanted to go against it & just eliminate it. I had to do it for my nervous system.
That's when my neurons got twisted. I was mad. MAD. Because I'm not just that 31yo woman, I'm also carrying that 7yo Mel. I was mad that little girl felt like she had no warm arms to support her, make her feel safe. And I reminded myself that I.AM.HERE. It's a de-realization moment that gets you feeling "What am I? Am I the one I see in the mirror? Am I inside this body? Is this the life of this body?".
Sorry if my concepts makes you question my sanity but... artist~ Life is art~ There's so much to create, we cannot leave it to others' hands, to our upbringing etc. If I cannot go against the waves, I create new ones. Who told me I had to swim in those waves in first place anyway?
MEL WAS THIS TRACK during the whole journey. And by the time I started my energy redirections & reached a point where I felt whole, as if I had all of the love, depth I want from others in me, my whole life changed. Even if someone might not see a thing, there has been a huge change, a leap that can only be felt with energy. I felt immense love, passion. As if someone else has gotten into me with the depth, reciprocity, clarity, respect, understanding, sensuality I was craving. Like someone completed me energetically but it was just me. Then Mel became this track.
This love I witness even now that I write it, might make me feel lonely but so connected to something. I vowed to myself to be there for me no matter what. I was wishing for more situations so I can test my resilience. Can I be loyal to myself? I excelled in all of them. I stood firm. The waves turned the other way coz I was a stone wall. They could not get through me & that felt like magic... If feels weird when you fear taking action but the moment you take it, it all feels peaceful as if that fear had no bones at all, it had no spirit, nothing.
Then ... peace happened.
Felt like I used a cheat code in life. As if I did something illegal. As if I got into another dimension hahaha.
PS: By using the word shallow, I don't want to devalue or belittle them. No contempt. I mean that they don't meet me emotionally. I don't know how else to phrase it that IN MY EYES, personally, this relationship we have is superficial. A mismatch, not a character judgement. I do feel for them coz we're all kids inside, no matter the age & at the same time I choose myself, my own kid.
ANYWAY~
That Victoria's Secret Show was the best one ever.
It was the cherry on top for me after I transformed mentally & physically.
Carol G said "Ivvony Bonita" is for all of us. It's that inner warrior who rises up when everything else feels broken. A version of us who carried everything, faced battles silently, kept going, stood strong even after pain. For all of us to embrace & celebrate our inner strength. Surviving, evolving. Recognizing our worth. Owning our story.
◊
A big big big thank you to this year. It was one of my most epic years.
I had Mel before (~2017) & after Korea (2019~). Now I have Mel before & after 2025 haha.
I cannot believe I'm writing this! This is history!
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