Purity

I think the coming of lunar new year & of course the new moon truly have affected me & I've been on a rampage.

 

I take it as having my own celebrations.  

Going back to my ancestors (my old self), 

thanking them (running for me so I can walk lol). 

 

 

Last night I was contemplating a little about what kind of people I have met in my life. What I had to face by myself in order to finally breath & LIVE according to my truth, not according to my inner, middle, outer whatever circle.

 

To be more precise, "facing BY myself" is the thing we usually say.

"Facing MY self" is the second layer. Facing all of these that are not me.

In solitude there's only you, don't run away from it, go inwards ♡ 

 

Ah, reminds me of one of my favourite songs 

that I had dedicated to myself.

Unstoppable sun. 

 

 

I have mentioned that my life is different after I came back from Korea & that's coz I faced a lot by myself, especially in China before I settle myself in Korea. A place I never mention as I forget my time there because of PTSD & I don't even want to recall a thing from there.

 

Not being me but what these circles deemed right for me to be

 so I was diminishing my heart. 

Masks~ maybe one or many of these would fit me back then... 

maybe I could do life right with these masks.

 

My best times were my second year in Korea. Because I shed so much fakery & fear. I got the best jobs, in the best environments, in the best families. I'm going to use the word "healing" in this instance. Healing is not linear, you don't wake up & you're fine the next day. I was learning to live with the self that had no fears, that was true to herself. BELIEVING in the best even in the worst times became a habit. Toooootally difficult when you don't know if you'll be able to eat, to pay rent or renew your visa. You had to cut down from something. Sometimes I say I feel embarrassed for myself back then but I shouldn't because these who had pure intentions, know that I was a work in progress. And to the ones that harmed me, only wanted to consume, only wanted me for their own image, I don't really consider them as humans at all. I leave it to God*, just not a weight for me to carry or deal with. Growing up, I have no mercy to the ones who did not have mercy for me in the first place & took advantage of my innocence, my loyal friendship. Dare do it to the adult me, I can take it coz it's more free power for me but to a younger child (be it a child or young adult)? How demented can you be? Everything's a choice, so choose to lead by good example, morals. And of course I'm not talking about my life there but here in Athens as well. It was harder for me to wake up here in this place though due to being in this inner circle I could not escape from. Korea was my escape & that's why I call Seoul, the place I grew up in my 20s.

 

 

Although there will always be a barrier out of the blue in our life

which we will have to face & shed it off of us in order to keep going,

here is the present me; unmasked. 

 

 

The only very tiny difference with now is that I'm in my 30s & I take it all as cleansing. Refocus every.damn.time. & you'll get blessed.

 

  

  

So here is a poem inspired by my story~

A reminder of the peace, security, freedom I feel inside of me compared to the then me. 

I would not even feel like that as a kid lol. I'm such the right adult in my life, gee~ Do I brag? Yeah, I do coz I'm being loved right.

 

 

 

I always hope you don't feel heavy by what I write but liberated. 

Any weight is gone & your heart's lighter.

 Ooops, you just read a spell so get ready for blessings~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

You ask for purity,

not because you're fragile. 

But because you are

whole.

 

Through moments where your heart

& the person that you are

were being reduced,

you did not harden.

On the contrary, you found more light

& that light kept you anchored to your values.

You found honour.

That kind of honour that keeps your grounded,

that makes it safe to be you

in your own body.

 

Attention without curiosity felt empty.

Desire without interest felt dehumanising.  

Where intensity & impulse 

exist without meaning,

safety is absent.

And yet...

how can it be? 

When in order to feel whole,

safety must exist?

 

You often say 

"Somebody will meet you

as deep as they meet themselves"

or

"Not everyone sees you

or your relationship

as significant as you see it."

 

Valuing connection...

not everyone wants it,

not everyone can offer it.

Different people are drawn to different energies

& yours will resonate with the right ones.

 

What is meant to meet you,

will do so gently.

For it takes pure eyes

to see, 

to recognise. 

 

 

 

 

*God: Sorry if I use "God" like that, it's not in a religious way. It's the only simple way to say that I believe in gratitude, love, abundance. No entities, just pure energy full of justice & magic.