To live, I guess~

 

Took me some time to prepare this post so enjoyyy~ 

I'm gonna do a crazy timeline...

Sunday(getting ready)⟶Saturday(going out)⟶Sunday(outing)⟶Monday(my process)

 

[Sunday] 

As I'm waiting for time to pass by so I can get dressed & go to the metro... 

 

(because I'm going out with someone... 

mentioned on prev post... 

          charismatic...

                          house music...

Shocking. Yes.

                                  I don't get how it happened)

 

... let me make a post about yesterday.

 

[Saturday]

I was not supposed to go out on Saturday but I had to as I wanted to get chocolates for tonight's outing.

 

I found a cute coffee shop that I always pass by. It felt like a quite haven in this corner I chose to sit at.

My first time drinking warm latte & it felt so comforting in some way.

Then I passed by a certain place to say hi to somebody *wink*. I wanted to leave fast as it was super busy & I didn't want them to get scolded or something. 

 

And then I walked a lot. It got rainy so I switched from sunglasses to an umbrella.

I was sooo tired because of the crowd. I always choose chill days to go out as I cannot take it. Sensory overload from all of the noise etc. I even got lost in the metro looking for my parents. I could not recognize any face from being that overwhelmed. Gee~

Despite that, I went to hang out to friends' place & spend some time with their kids. It was crazy but it was fun~ 

He wanted to form my name hihi

 

Anyway... um, I'm nervous about going out with that person.

Tonight will tell what's their personality like. Nice from messages & I cried yesterday coz they speak with clarity. It triggered me inside. Two days ago they explained stuff when I misunderstood something & apologized while it was nothing crazy, I just did not know their humour yet. The moment they started chatting so casually, I stopped being so closed-off. Even if it's an illusion they might be pure, I don't mind, at least I felt how it can be like when someone sees you as a human, shows personal interest.

Everyday I feel calm. I haven't lost my peace. 

I feel so good with the pace. It feels natural & not forced or invasive or fake intense to fill a gap.

There is a lingering fear but... my heart's so tired of it, I'm so exhausted.

 

 

[Sunday] 

「The actual dat...outing」

Gals, come on, who's got appetite when you're... 

                um, when you... 

fancy someone?

 

I don't~

 I have a few bites just to say I ate.

My best friend asked me about the restaurant & I had nothing to tell her. 

I had no taste & zero awareness of my surroundings. 

Randomly I'd check some stuff out & comment on them but... I don't know lol.

One thing, yeah. There was a long line at that profiterole shop next to us. 

Also, the atmosphere felt fun coz of the carnival. 

 

I've got no words haha.

How do I explain I felt like the Mel I'd like to be when I connect with someone? No defenses, nothing. A lil bit shy but ok. You wanna say it's acceptable being the circus Mel I am with my best friend? GREAT! It gave me life being with someone playful, who teases but is also attentive. The attentive part really... ah. He'd say some really funny stuff & I was about to write them down on my notes because I liked them. But he thought I found them stupid or that I was making fun of him but actually... I was trying to control myself from expressing how cute he was.

 

 

[Monday]

Today, making this post.

I'm letting my fears go away & decide to trust. I cried today again. I just want to enjoy it & experience it... My mother told me "If you get betrayed so what? We are alive. Are you forever gonna guard yourself like that?". And I thought "All of that is art, it's experiencing, it's living. It's energy that can get transformed once again. It's personal insight". I'm letting go of fear dictating how I express myself because it might not be fair for them either. Imagine you getting doubted by someone else. I ought to offer clarity & be real to them. As they said "It's all in your mind". Well, it is. Can I be free so I can let my heart do its work? Tired of my mind guarding my heart. 

 

Then I remembered an Erreway song...

 

Being safe is selling yourself in pieces

Building a wall to the heart

To let passion get liquefied 

Being safe is that

 

You will never have a great love 

But you will be in peace

You will feel safe and you will sleep without dreams

The world will keep going without you

It won't feel your absence

Your love and your clear water will be missing

If you're afraid of flying

You wings won't grow

 

Don't be safe 

Go down the deepest

And try going up without strings

Go so high & fall blindly

Let the blood rush through your veins