Let me rest

 

Sorry, wish I also had some aesthetic fashion blog post but I have been more internal for quite a while. I'm going to write something really really vulnerable & be really transparent about it.

It kinda scares me making this post.

 

 

I have got an internal judge that removes humanity from inside of me. 

 

This internal judge of course started from my inner social world & got expanded because I was being receptive to such energy.

 

The judge was the authority, whether I do life right or not.

 

Let me rest /-\

 

Who keeps score?

Who calculates my steps, my needs?

 

In the end of the day, even when you've done the best for yourself, nobody rewards you.

 

I have struggled by myself a lot but even if I had not, we are all deserving of rest as we are humans.

 

It's not pride being independent, knowing how to handle it all by yourself.

It's getting exhausting walking by yourself, not getting considered.

 

And this whole post started because I got hang up twice by two friends these two weeks. Not even a message like they won't be able to make it or a follow-up message.

And I've been used to it so it didn't hurt me but it hit me. Why it hit me? Because my boyfriend witnessed that for the first time. Because I also compared these friends who flake to him having present friends... 

 

To be considered... To feel like you belong...

Consideration... 

 

A few nights ago that's what a friend did. Didn't really affect me much coz I know how to revert to my back-up plan; ME. But there's a sad part to that, there's a whole history where I had to learn & adapt.

 

Someone might miss what it cost for me to become this way.

Someone could see "Mel is independent" & not "Mel LEARNT to be independent".

 

I got very good at doing things alone because for a long time I HAD TO.

I had to while all I was craving was a friend.

Not for grand stuff but ordinary life stuff.

 

 Maybe this became a strength but rarely does anyone know how this strength got formed.

 

That night I took myself out, got a ciggarete, got an ice cream & enjoyed the night, the music outside the bar.

I did enjoy it while the other part of me quietly wished someone could accompany me.

 

"I've got me" I replied to my boyfriend's "That's sad" to my friend flaking.

It's nice when someone witnesses that but... I cannot let him know my whole history of why my only answer to this is that I've got me.

 

Let me be a human.

I don't want to carry everything alone anymore.

The endless decision fatigue about where I'm gonna stay in the future stopped a long time ago when I decided to be open just so I can decide with my future partner. I don't say for someone to decide for myself but to decide with someone else about a shared future. 

A vertigo trying to decide a whole life in advance. Do I have to? Won't it be ok to make a mistake? I can't be perfect & I don't have to. Excellence as I have talked about before. Let me move with excellence. To be real, with my strengths & weaknesses. Even when you get in a relationship you're not perfect. And I do believe that right now I do move with excellence.

 

I've carried enough things alone, enough decisions alone. I've built enough plans alone & if I ever build a life with someone, I want it to be together. 

And right now... I don't have to decide anything imaginary!

 I will decide with reality. Be it alone or with somebody else.

 

Let me be human. 

I don't need saving, I just need company.

 

I don't want my life to always be a solo project.

And I don't have to prove to anyone a thing so I can deserve to rest. 

I want to rest from doing stuff solo in my life.

 

I usually lean to fight or flight tendencies.

I won't fight though, I will only fly. 

Thinking of leaving the country & doing this by myself again.

 I have faced so many stuff when it was not possible to fly.

I got rewarded internally because I stayed with my uncomfortable feelings. 

And part of my flight is the fact that if nobody wants to belong with me then I DO & I'm gonna remove me from anyone who doesn't want to belong with me.

Family, friendships, anything. 

I revert to my solitude coz I won't get hurt this way... while all I need is a friend. Avoiding it all but removing my humanity as well. Removing my own need for connection...

 

Is it illegal or wrong in life to want to have someone beside you?

And I simply talk about a friend, not particularly about a partner. 

Nobody has rewarded me for living in solitude.

 And I don't expect to be saved but to be... 

considered as a human. 

 

Being my own back-up plan is not the best because I want to rest.

How can you take yourself out when all you feel is rotting in your solitude?

 

Don't save me.

Let me rest on your shoulder.

 

 

Consider me just once that I cannot carry it all by myself.

I am tired of carrying everything alone. 

 

I'm done trying to predict life. Just gonna follow happy impulses.

Because what I live right now got never calculated.

Heck, I even cancelled it before it even starts.

In reality, I was about to cancel all of the beautiful things that have unfolded inside of me.

Do you know that today I abandoned my fight or flight & just regulated myself & came back to him communicating from my heart?

I was ready to leave his house & spiraled inside of me but then when I took my time alone I thought "Wait a fcking minute, I love this person... I cannot abandon them & not communicate. I don't know what he's lived before & I also don't want to create anything bad inside his heart coz... I purely love this soul, I don't want to hurt him". I went to the other room to redeem myself, not speak out of anger, with careless words out of hurt. EW! I love him so much, do you believe I'm debunking my own self? 

 

So I stayed with myself.

Why? Because if I lost me, I'd lose him as well.

Flying was abandoning myself, not facing my uneasy feelings.

And at this particular moment, it included someone I care about.

This thought of caring for him made me feel brave enough & it felt like a slap like "Mel, what the fck are you doing?".

 

He's got no idea what he's done to my life.

Was I really living or loving myself before?

I'm so embarrassed.

 

 

 

A common root to all of my spirals:

The imaginary jury.

 

"What if I'm judged for this? What if I'm doing life wrong? What if I'm faulty? What if people think I should have done something different?" 

So exhausting carrying an imaginary jury meanwhile reality is much simpler.

 

I might say "I don't want to decide alone anymore" but I will be afraid to express it as the imaginary judge won't take it with empathy, it won't think "I've done enough solo missions for a lifetime".

 

The judge says "You should know exactly where you'll live", "You should have more people", "You must prove you're independent".

But the human says "Maybe you'll decide with someone you love". "You have people who care", "You're allowed to lean on others sometimes". 

 

And EW for once again coming back to him. He accidentally exposed how harsh my internal judge has been. I know how this judge got born, when someone blames you for not having people to go out... while it's not under my control... When someone blames you while you're already in your worst. 

For sure at this time you need saving from such jury.

Maybe the jury... does not love itself in first place.

Maybe the jury was never loved or been taught love.

The jury simply found comfort in judging...

 Maybe the jury saved its own self.

 Maybe it actually retired coz it realized this is not living.

 

 

 

So right now do you know what I feel?

I don't feel like drowning or feeling the need to solve or prove sht to my own self, to feed my internal jury.

Just floating above the water, trusting it to hold me.

 

 

 

And maybe... that's why it all feels so significant.

Because little by little it gave me permission to put down the armor I was never meant to carry forever. 

 

This is me. I don't want to carry that armor. I leave this here. 

Hoping "Mel your heart" inspires you as well to do the same.