I somehow allowed myself to use a softer tone to express what I was ready to publish yesterday by using a small story. I tried to explain the story to gpt so I can get a cute image for it hihi.
When somebody gives you the tools through their love, it feels so freeing. The work is still mine to make but that person's gaze helped me notice where I can be unnecessarily harsh with myself. The more I express the self I'm afraid to express because of fear, I'm being met with care.
I showed a wound & he treated it gently. I pulled myself into an imaginary thing & he got me to the present moment. "Stop thinking about it", "Don't think" pulled me out of this into the present moment. And where was that present moment? In none of these imaginary scenarios or futures or judgements about my life, it was on the sofa with him holding me in his arms while I cry.
And so... we got the ocean & the (probabilities 3 out of 7) bunny.
The ocean... not because she's chaotic but because she feel things deeply, explore depths, notice "currents", stare at one single pebble & discover a whole damn ecosystem underneath it.
And then the bunny comes along... Gentle but practical, shouting some words like light to the ocean.
Oh mind you, the bunny doesn't know how to swim. It's not just standing there shouting advice but it's standing in danger. It could get drown, why is it there? Why showing up for the ocean?
And then, that becomes part of why the ocean trusts it. Because the ocean isn't being fixed. saved or changed. She simply saw the light from the surface, she accepted it & stopped sinking deeper into the unknown dark depths.
The bunny just keeps finding her when she drifts too far into her abyss. Yes, a bunny, not a hero, just a small cute bunny. Which does not pull her out of the water but sits with the waves. meets her there & waits at the surface reminding her gently the way back with its steady light.
It can't understand every current or try to learn the whole map or the ocean's depths but it is just showing up. It could not survive in them...
The ocean learns she doesn't have to fear her own depths because now... there's a path back. And that path back is a home & that home is the present moment. Because all that we are & counts is the present moment. Not the past or the future.
She sees the little bunny, the sunset, the warmth of its presence.
And what if the sinking into the deepest abyss of her thoughts happened & she could not accept the bunny's light because that depth pulls her in strongly? The bunny could try to make it better but it could get worse if it put on its life vest & try to go catch her. It'd be so life-threatening to it, wouldn't it?
The depth doesn't stop pulling,
the abyss is always there,
all of the curiosity,
all of the fear,
all of the desire to understand
everything is still there.
How can she come back to the surface if her eyes are focused there?
BECAUSE SHE KNOWS
FKC IM GONNA CRY
THE ABYSS WILL
STILL BE THERE TOMORROW
... BUT THE BUNNY WON'T.
The bunny represents something the ocean can't find at the bottom of herself & that's something outside of herself. Ocean teaching bunny to be brave & bunny teaching ocean she can rest. Both, learning something the other already knows.
She can spend years exploring her own waters etc
but she cannot discover the bunny by diving deeper.
She finds him by surfacing.
The ocean offers understanding while the bunny offers experience.
The one is about truth while the other is about life.
That's what they both represent.
It's not romantic, it's about how we live life.
And how we actually need each other as humans.
Diving deeper & deeper in my thoughts, my memories, the meanings, I keep sinking because there's more I can understand & then he makes a simple statement, a simple question, something random, something silly I will love for sure & somehow that is all that brings me back.
And gals, was I really living before outside of my mind? I was sinking deeper coz understanding life would make me make wiser future steps... Really? My fake safety. Was I going towards experiencing life? No. Well, these are my strengths but every strength has its own shadow. I mean that the shadow of depth is getting lost in it, while the shadow of insight is over-analysis & the shadow of introspection is forgetting the present moment.
But someone who's not living in these depths can see THE OBVIOUS things that the person inside them can't~ hahaahahah Like, he's standing somewhere different & thank God he does.
For example, in the night I explained why I was crying & he reassured me, didn't invalidate me & he told me how he sees it simply. Such respect without him getting swept away by my current. So stable. How can I not admire him? How can I also not love him for reminding me to be gentle with myself, before anyone put such judging lens in my eyes?
I don't have to solve every mystery,
to reach the bottom,
to understand every current
before I... am allowed to be happy, to rest, to love.
So I surface,
not because my depths lost their power
or I stopped being an ocean
but because there's a bunny waiting
at the shore who somehow became
more interesting than my thoughts.
Maybe I do value someone more than another answer to life...
And I wanna share the "surface" with~
FCK OFF I CRY
And maybe that's why his "Don't think" worked because it was not an argument or a solution or him invalidating my experience. It was a helping hand towards the present moment. And that's why he is the embodiment of the present moment to me since day one. It was scaring me at first but now I learnt that "life is now".
Thank you for offering me this tool, Q.
The abyss could be infinite
while this moment together is not.
That's precious enough to swim upward for, right?
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