This post is gonna have a different format
through which I wanna showcase how my mind would work like those days.
It's kinda poetic, abstract & directed to my invisible muse,
while also sharing my life to you.
So on Saturday 11th I went to my friends' house
& on Sunday 12th, in the morning we met all together at the park.
Then in the afternoon I went for some shopping before I go to eat my soup.
While you were away,
I had a break through.
The way I speak & express some stuff
come from depth, from abstraction.
I get lost in my own art
& I forget when this is
becoming an escape.
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I had to become direct;
just like we should be
when we speak to the universe.
My friend who works at the restaurant finished her shift & we spend time together chatting & then ... she paid for my order as a bday gift.
She was playing it as if she didn't know what happened hahah
We then had a cig & walked to the metro together.
Lovely night!
Intimacy is scary.
Am I gonna strip my mind
& heart down & be exposed
to your rejection?
Or are you gonna embrace them
with your own warmth?
Males & females,
if they truly wanna understand each other,
they listen with care & respect.
They get to know each other's perception
& that's when they become one.
Monday 13th I went for a walk with my best friend
& on Tuesday 14th I went for some shopping to redeem
the gift-card she got me for my bday.
Beautiful scenes, images...
There's a meaning as it is.
But it's up to our eyes & our heart.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they say.
My abstract was acting like a soft pillow
& I took this pillow away.
I.understood.myself. first
in order to be able to speak to you.
Then on Wednesday 15th,
my parents took me to my doctor & I got her help with my
health issue I've been having for almost a month.
It got born from the issue I talk about here. Expression & fears.
My theories, archery, all of it
woke me up inside because you were away.
To me this time was a time to learn
your language, so I can be direct with myself first.
I decode myself first & that's nobody else's job.
I learnt how to look at me directly.
For example it was not insecurity
but the fear of loss of respect.
I was not feeling less as a person but fiery.
Not enough < Not participating in something
I have to abandon myself
I choose Mel & that's not insecurity,
that's self-respect.
I will keep living according to this value.
By doing that, I also show myself to you.
Will you keep on choosing that Mel
no matter how direct she gets
with honouring herself, being truthful?
And that's how intimacy actually requires all that.
Not by managing a perception but it gets created
when two people slowly reveal who they actually are
& discover they are still accepted.
Self-respect creates honesty.
Honesty creates safety.
Safety creates intimacy.
Only if the other person responds
with respect as well coz intimacy
cannot be built by one person alone
but it emerges when both people
repeatedly choose truth over performance.
That's why we have to always come
from a place of understanding ourselves first.
So no, you don't complete me,
you don't save me,
you're not everything
but you're something tied to reality
& that's the thing!
It's pretty much simple & yet
meaningful to the bone.
Being with you helps me
become more myself.
Not losing it.
That to me is what's love is about.
Does love grow as authenticity expands?
Let's rest into this uncertainty
& just live the journey~
Thursday 16th & Friday 17th were my last day of work.
Look at the pool~
That's what
we'll both
find out
when you come back.
Till then,
I will keep on finding peace inside of me.
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